What now?

An update of the year...

Let's see, two day operations, two jobs, two boyfriends, two poms, two breakups..

So where do I go from here? If only I knew. It's not all doom and gloom however, I have learnt more about what I will and won't put up with, that I can recover both physically and mentally. I have begun painting again, some of the examples adorn my blog now. I am working towards my first ever independent exhibit. I was happily working away with some midyear bonus money having just finished a temp job and cast away working for a circus of a workplace previously.

It was all going well, then I reunited with an old friend, we started dating, then suddenly the priority became him and my dwindling finances. My life changed to trying to sorting my house out for approval when he would eventually visit and thinking about how I didn't know how to do this dating thing anymore, worrying if I was good enough? what to say, how to act, etc..

It was going great for awhile, he was so keen and loving, it seemed like finally life was maybe going to work out. One day I got a bad gut feeling, that despite a great week and a pending meeting the next day, that something had gone wrong, but what? This seemed confirmed that night and an awful gnawing feeling set in, which only worsened and even the next morning I couldn't shake this awful aggravation.

The weeks following I felt it all gradually slipping away and now it's over, a nasty sense of history repeating itself from the beginning of the year. Man builds things up, says I love you, misfortune comes upon him, suddenly the 'we' is too hard, suddenly he interprets we are moving too fast, he retreats, makes excuses and poof! the lovely rapport and sincerity and affection is no more.

It did occur to me before it hit the skids this time however that life had been simpler when it was just me, the kids, and painting however. I had a sense of purpose, my new hobby archery and positivity. Just why can't I have a job and a guy and these other things? Why does when one area of life seem to work another falls spectacularly in a heap?

I am trying to get back to the paintings,I began a new one , just the flow isn't there yet. I chose to go retro, decorative, rather than try to make people understand my quirky works which are figurative expressionism. I do have one like that there, but I admit I was getting lost in lovely paisley patterns and layering and motifs from the 70's my early childhood, such as owls, sunflowers and working in some architectural shapes.

I also need to get work, and my chosen field has stalled at present. I go to education nights, keep up to date with things, but the local circle is so small in that specialty and established staff can be so territorial. It has also been uphill in many ways since I chose this field. Is it for me? Do I persist, or am I fooling myself?

To add to the complication my eldest has dropped out of school, his leanings are like my early ones, just interested in creative fields. I took this path first, only to get married early and spend years struggling and being broke. I wish I can save him from such a road, and instill him with confidence as well. How do you teach a child confidence which you yourself are severely lacking in a lot of your life? How do you teach someone to be happy when you don't know how to be yourself.

I guess I just need to keep broadening my life, meeting new people and try to help him do the same, and hopefully life will fall into place..

The Year I turned 40, otherwise known as the shit hit the fan...

I used to have a theory of good and bad years alternating, but this has got skewed over the years. Last year was a roller-coaster which crashed at the end and this year has been rebuilding myself.

The overseas holiday was a personal disaster from a relationship point of view, so much for the kiss at the Taj, instead it was walking around seething from being dumped the night before and the bloody thing being invisible in fog till we had to leave almost. To be at one of the most romantic monuments heartbroken is shitty, to get there on shitty bus leaving at 6am leaving the bladder to almost burst only being relieved by the old roadside dash amidst roadside carnage is worse.

I returned home to have my work life fall apart spectacularly- due to stresses of being hosed over financially by the kids dad leading up to xmas, whilst he did a disappearing act and pointless added stress of dating a narcissist. One can only take so much.

Now how do I rebuild myself?...well still pondering that... I did do some therapy with the last session having homework which stalled me. I did use my windfall to buy tickets to 3 gigs to have something to look forward to and I began my first painting for arts sake since uni - well I did practice portraits and commercial work but not a creative painting. a lovely friend of mine has been a huge help in the last six months, since we can talk nonsense for hours, makes me laugh and is skilled in other areas, that being said certain habits makes me want to headbutt him sometimes.

I should be looking for work, but the playing mum and finding myself again and poor sleep patterns seem to have my life very full. One step at a time as they say.

Farewell ya crazy year

One might think I am addicted to drama when I look back on this year...or perhaps even the last few. Sure I get bored easily but I don't think it's that. I had actually got fed up with things and was going to take things simple around this time last year but that all got messed up with a bit of a love-hate relationship I fell into which is still going a year later.

The good news? I am going on my first adult overseas trip as a result to India
The bad news? I am in love with a narcissist
The good news? When he finally went overseas he realised he needs me and can't do without me and freely admits he loves me now.
The bad news? He is online each day being bossy and has some odd ideas for his future which are against my principles.

Get it? don't worry I don't either.

I am struggling with what sort of special someone I want in my future. I met a few others amidst our feuding periods when I was trying to make a fresh start. Two were long term chat friends I finally got around to meeting, one a lovely country teacher and one from Iran originally much to his disgust. My friend drives me mental often but he was still in my mind the whole time so none of these went anywhere.

I have learnt about Indian culture this year with the cooking, a novel titled The Toss of a Lemon, meeting his parents and witnessing his gutless compliance to the opinion of the local Indian mafia not wanting to look too chummy with a gora.

Eagerly anticipating my trip I have organised the important things but will probably be agonising about which clothes to bring, up to the last hour. I have traveled around a lot of Australia and lived in many places having an ex in the army, but I am too paranoid about schedules and keeping track of tickets to call myself a seasoned traveler.

I have tried to learn some hindi phrases. My friend laughed when the first words I remembered where mera dos, makri , kutta and chinti. He said you are saying my friends are spiders dogs and ants. I was concerened when I read on a travel guide I might come across gropy men there and you shouldn't shy away you should hit them and yell and people will come to your aid. He agreed and taught me some cursing in hindi, which we got into the habit of shouting each other for a joke. He said with your height just look down on them and sneer mutha choud!, bahn choud! I made up one based on a girl he knew during the year - suar choud!, I was told that one wasn't a proper saying but would offend the muslims for sure.

Just twelve days till I go now, when I look at my itinerary and my brief stop over in Singapore I get all nervous I think waiting in the International lounge to leave I will be beside myself. This should be the first of many trips I hope. I have always wanted to go to India with all the brilliant colours and handcrafts and I remember the saris we got in Fiji when I was a kid. I want to chew paan, get kissed at the Taj Mahal, buy an indian dress tailor made and a soap carving of an elephant- hopefully ride on an elephant!

Here's hoping it all goes to plan...

Equal Opportunity

In the last year I have discovered just what a waste of taxpayers money is the Equal Opportunity and anti Racism Committee. At the Commission stage there is no powers at all to right the wrong unless the perpetrator wants to make amends; and let's face it if they couldn't reflect on their actions admitting their mistake before that it's highly unlikely.

Worksafe is also as much of a joke as your HR department may be. What sort of anti bullying agency decides to gang up with the bullies against a complainant when questioned?

The one bright light in all this is there are some excellent judges at the tribunal who can read behind the lines and seem well seasoned in the tricks of pompous racists trying to hide behind free speech. The comedy of errors performed by racist's lawyers was also good day long entertainment. I pity the meek wronged party without funds to employ a good barrister however, they have no hope.

Whilst searching for a link to a radio interview by the racist who began the cycle of events I witnessed, there was an interesting discovery. I was shocked to see the initial articles had made it all the way to a white supremacists US based website - funded by neo nazis all over the world. I hope they are patting themselves on the back for their insistence on publishing and maintaining online comments which the judge labelled 'vitrionic statements' under the guise of 'commonly held beliefs'.

I can only hope justice prevails

Example 1 of why a nurse's humour is so very wrong

It was week 3 or 4 of being a student in the emergency department, not unfamiliar territory since I'd been working as a patient care assistant (PCA) for two years at royal Darwin Hospital. It is a little hard to explain public hospital culture in the territory. RDH is full of patients that sit in their bandages on the grass, many have lice and scabies, drop rubbish wherever it falls whilst picking through each others hair like monkeys out the front of the hospital-nice look. My favorite though was our very generous 4 hour absconding rule where you may or may not need the police to retrieve the patient, or if you were lucky they would make their own way back in their own sweet time - even sober sometimes.

This paticular day I am dealing with an older, but not old gentleman with peculiar habits. The chart says one particular mental health condition but I am seeing more obsessive compulsive disorder. During breakfast and morning cares it is so frustrating it starts to get testing with the 'I can only have this or this, it must be in this type of cup', and various assisted repostioning. I sigh and get on with it.

The doctors come and talk with the patient and request a 'hot' urine specimen. This is a fresh one which needs to be sent to pathology within half an hour for renal tests. We try the urinal bottle on the bed when he thinks he can go, he needs to stand up, fair enough we say we'll try sitting on the edge of the bed, it can support your weight..still no good. Two of us help the patient stand steady and it still doesn't work. He asks to go to the bathroom, fair enough..pity with his fussiness this involves much fussing around but we finally get there. He sits on the toilet and I have to hold the urine bottle in the front as he grips the bars on the wall. I am crouching next to him and my preceptor stands at the doorway, the frustration of dealing with him during the morning is beginning to make us lose our composure.

'Its coming its coming' he says..nothing happens for a moment..then he starts to loudly fart foul smelling wind. I look up at my preceptor she is starting to lose it, within seconds she has ducked out to safety. I just look at the floor and bite my lip, hard. 'Now it's coming' he says enthusiastically but no urine materialises. The farting getts louder and the smell intensifies, I start to hear shit being fired out, sloppy with machine gun force into the bowl. It's too much! I am currently still on my haunches next to this performance. 'I'll be back in a minute' I manage to mutter, mid choke, and sort of climb out of the small cubicle crab style. I shove the door shut, and one look at my preceptor is too much. I am sitting on the floor outside the bathroom unable to speak, laughing so much I can't make a noise, or get my breath, tears rolling down my cheeks. this has set my preceptor off and the other staff at the desk are not sure what to think. Both of us try to calmly tell the doctor why we couldn't get a hot urine specimen, but it comes out with staccato sobs of laughter and its infectious, he is laughing by the end of the story too.

I regain composure and help the poor man back to bed and make him comfortable. whilst fixing up another patient in the quite open ward we apologise for our carry-on. 'Oh don't worry about it, we've been putting up with him all morning' she says. Toileting patients is usually just part and parcel of the job and appropriate, but the morning had just got more and more frustrating that the laughter valve just had to release somewhere.

Midlife crisis? male only? where would I apply?

I just read a mate's blog about this and apart from a toy boy what would I do if I had a crisis?

Do women really have midlife crisis? You do hear about women changing teams, nah does nothing for me.

The flash car and the motorbike is the blokey track, I'll have to make do with the 10 yo Commodore with mags. Yes it does still have all four mags though I did have to buy another spare thanks to the fucker that stole it on nightshift and left 2 bricks under the corner of the car.

Hmmm I could randomly meet people and build a little black book, ahemm think I did that, now what? Get a boyfriend finally and try to get used to their kids? Trying that at present, it makes me feel old and conservative, and I'm not sure I can handle the kids. That sounds awful I know, maybe its just because it's all new I have never been in that situation before.

I want lovely friends that can make time to come out listen to loud music and drink away the troubles occasionally, and veg out, watch silly movies and laugh ourselves sick too, or potter about out bush, debate in an art gallery or explore in a mueseum. Is this too much to ask?

Internet introductions

I'd just met a new friend, always a bit nerve wracking and we were edging our way into his friend's gig. It was in a tiny theatrette, we weren't too inconspicuous. We had had a few quick drinks to calm the nerves and the band was playing, they started into a new song. I began to listen to the words..OMG! I felt like they had a roving spotlight and it was pointing right at us. It was about internet dating, (the singer was a best friend of his from way back).We gave each other nervous sideways glances, gulp.... self consciousness set in as the song went on so did the cringing. It was like getting heckled by a comedian when you've turned up late. I had heard the lead singer had met her boyfriend/guitarist on the net, but this wasn't making me feel any better.

The song was finally over! Thank god! the songs that followed were a blend of folk/bluegrass/rock, with some amazing music and lyrics. The guy in question is still my best mate, though he's engrossed in work interstate. I still remember the above moment like I'd been like a rabbit caught in headlights though.