What now?

An update of the year...

Let's see, two day operations, two jobs, two boyfriends, two poms, two breakups..

So where do I go from here? If only I knew. It's not all doom and gloom however, I have learnt more about what I will and won't put up with, that I can recover both physically and mentally. I have begun painting again, some of the examples adorn my blog now. I am working towards my first ever independent exhibit. I was happily working away with some midyear bonus money having just finished a temp job and cast away working for a circus of a workplace previously.

It was all going well, then I reunited with an old friend, we started dating, then suddenly the priority became him and my dwindling finances. My life changed to trying to sorting my house out for approval when he would eventually visit and thinking about how I didn't know how to do this dating thing anymore, worrying if I was good enough? what to say, how to act, etc..

It was going great for awhile, he was so keen and loving, it seemed like finally life was maybe going to work out. One day I got a bad gut feeling, that despite a great week and a pending meeting the next day, that something had gone wrong, but what? This seemed confirmed that night and an awful gnawing feeling set in, which only worsened and even the next morning I couldn't shake this awful aggravation.

The weeks following I felt it all gradually slipping away and now it's over, a nasty sense of history repeating itself from the beginning of the year. Man builds things up, says I love you, misfortune comes upon him, suddenly the 'we' is too hard, suddenly he interprets we are moving too fast, he retreats, makes excuses and poof! the lovely rapport and sincerity and affection is no more.

It did occur to me before it hit the skids this time however that life had been simpler when it was just me, the kids, and painting however. I had a sense of purpose, my new hobby archery and positivity. Just why can't I have a job and a guy and these other things? Why does when one area of life seem to work another falls spectacularly in a heap?

I am trying to get back to the paintings,I began a new one , just the flow isn't there yet. I chose to go retro, decorative, rather than try to make people understand my quirky works which are figurative expressionism. I do have one like that there, but I admit I was getting lost in lovely paisley patterns and layering and motifs from the 70's my early childhood, such as owls, sunflowers and working in some architectural shapes.

I also need to get work, and my chosen field has stalled at present. I go to education nights, keep up to date with things, but the local circle is so small in that specialty and established staff can be so territorial. It has also been uphill in many ways since I chose this field. Is it for me? Do I persist, or am I fooling myself?

To add to the complication my eldest has dropped out of school, his leanings are like my early ones, just interested in creative fields. I took this path first, only to get married early and spend years struggling and being broke. I wish I can save him from such a road, and instill him with confidence as well. How do you teach a child confidence which you yourself are severely lacking in a lot of your life? How do you teach someone to be happy when you don't know how to be yourself.

I guess I just need to keep broadening my life, meeting new people and try to help him do the same, and hopefully life will fall into place..